watch the olympics, How to

I like watching the Olympics. I don't have a clue what's going on, but I like watching them anyway. I like watching the Olympics because time stops for two weeks, much like a massive global power outage, and the only thing left to do sit on our sofa and commentate on dance skating.

But it's not always easy to come up with smart sounding commentary for sports they seem to be making up every 4 years. After a week of Torino couch surfing, i've learned a few things. If you're about to watch the Olympics with your friends or your spouse (or even your cat), here's how I think you should comment:

For snowboarding, you basically just say something like: "Oh, he's getting a lot of backside air, there", or "good manoeuvre on that kicker".

For speed skating, you just shout very loudly: "Go, goooo", or say: "he's in very good form this time." Go ahead and make jokes about the skin-tight suits. You know you want to.

The Nordic combined is tricky and confusing. Skip it.

As for ski jumping, just say: "Ooh, great jump" or "Good V-position". If the guy can land without dying, that's a pretty good jump to me, considering these guys are falling off a big snow-wall attached to planks.

As for curling... what the hell are you doing watching curling? In the event that you have to watch curling, you can alway try to cheer the team with: "Yeah, that's right girl, warm up that ice nice and good!".

As for skeleton, luge and bobsleigh, you only have to say: "Ooh, that was a good start." Based on what commentators say, there is never a bad start.

I find that one of the easiest sport to pundit about is figure skating, which is why it is my favorite olympic sport to watch. If they suck, you just have to say: "Ooh, lack of synchronicity here with the russian couple, Ooh, she just fell on her bum, Ooh, you call that a triple toe loop?", sounding like you have a clue.

With time, you will learn to say all of this with authority.

If you feel in any way inadequate to watch and appreciate the Olympics, well, don't. There's nothing wrong with admitting that you are clueless with a number of sports. If you think this Austrian guy will get a medal for that performance because he looks more aerodynamic and Latvians couldn't possibly win at anything anyway, your friends/spouse will believe you (because your friends are probably equally clueless, if not more).